238

Magnum Look Ronaldo Fails To Do His Maths..

Saturday 30 June 2012


So, another scintillating goal-fest in the Euros in the first Semi-Final between Spain and Portugal.  This was a real game for the purists, with attacking football at is finest, and chances being created nearly every minute in front of a capacity crowd who could barely control their excitement.

Ok, maybe not. In fact, aside from an interesting first half the game had about as much sparkle as a bottle of Blue Nun.  The game was so boring in fact, that I actually spent most of the game talking to my flatmate about an interesting Mathematics problem which had won me a bet at work.

The premise was that I had bet my colleague the princely sum of £5 that two people on my floor would have exactly the same birthday. Needless to say the poor mug accepted the challenge thinking that with only around 40 people, the probability would be next to zero.  Alas, he was merked in double quick time as it transpired that the girl sitting behind me actually had the same birthday as yours truly, 19th November (just in case you want to send a present later on in the year).  An easy way for all of you to make money really, all you need is around 40 people or more and you are nearly almost guaranteed to win it. If you are sad and want an explanation to this madness then let me know and I will send the answer to you via pen and paper.

Anyway, back to the game, and another man who failed to do his maths correctly.  That's right, the fake Ronaldo thought that by putting his name last on the shoot out list that he would help his team qualify for the final.  What was going through his mind I am not entirely sure.  Stupidity, arrogance or perhaps just pure selfishness?  Was he simply hoping to take all the glory?  Can he not count?  He may have been Portugal's best player but this idiotic decision showed a rather pathetic side to someone who was perhaps in contention for player of the tournament.

On another note, am I the only person getting annoyed with the ridiculous amount of preparation and posturing we see every time he takes a free kick?  I will confess that I don't see that much of La Liga these days so I am not sure how many set pieces he actually powers home, but it seems to be the amount of free kicks he misses by a mile seem to outweigh those that actually hit the onion bag.  Is he simply trying to imitate the Magnum look from Zoolander? Either way, its getting on my tit in a pretty big way


So, what of the Spanish?  More tedium and never-ending foreplay from our footballing hombres mean that they are resounding winners of "Cock-Tease of the Tournament."  They did try to start with a striker this time, but unfortunately for all of us, they started with the wrong one. The utterly hapless Negrido being hooked in the second half to be replaced by yet more midfielders.

Torres must be pretty mystified as to what's going on but Del Bosque's antics have got the Spanish to the final so I suppose he cannot really argue too much.  I just hope for everyone's sakes that they regain a cutting edge and attacking intent so that we can get the outstanding final to cap what in my view as been a disappointingly average tournament.

Sunil

18

Peerless Pirlo helps send England packing

Tuesday 26 June 2012


If there is to be one enduring image of England's last throws in Euro 2012 then it would surely be that of the magnificent Andrea Pirlo brilliantly chipping home from 12 yards. This penalty helped to switch the momentum of the shoot out and the rest as we know is history...(and those who read my previous article will see I actually predicted a penalty win for the Italians, I hope you all cashed in like I did)

It was fitting that Pirlo was to have such a wonderful individual moment after his exceptional display helped ruthlessly expose the functional and rigid midfield which was set out by England.  Those who watched the game will know that Scott Parker was so knackered that he had to be substituted and whilst his partner in crime Steven Gerrard was suffering with cramp after playing only for 70 minutes.  In the meantime, 78 year old Pirlo (slight exaggeration I know) was trotting around the pitch for a full 2 hours with all the energy and gusto of a 16 year old who had just had his first shag.  Embarrassing for England?  Ever so slightly.

Italy deserved to win in my view, no doubt about it. Aside from an early 15 minute spell where England should have taken the lead (and also a couple of blatant penalty shouts) the Italians dominated from start to finish with enough chances to have finished the game off well before the final shoot out.

What was probably the most galling for England fans was the way in which Pirlo bossed the whole game in its entirerity.  In this well known average Italian side, everyone knew before kick off that by stifling him and denying him time and space, England would have had a great chance of winning the game.

However, the 4-4-2 which had served England so well so far proved to be a complete mismatch. But Italy also play 4-4-2 I hear you cry.  The difference is that over the years, when playing 4-4-2 the English players do not have the flexibility or fluidity to work this in their favour.

The Italians used a rather obvious tactic but one which worked for the whole game pretty much unopposed. With Pirlo dropping deep to win the ball (often with no one within 20 yards of him), the 2 wide Italian players would tuck in slightly, drawing in Milner (& Young with them).  With these 2 options nullified, Pirlo would simply get his head up and spray it wide to the wide full backs and the play would build from there. Simples.

With possession surrendered so easily, it was no wonder that English players were chasing shadows for the whole game.  Anyone who has played the game will know that once you have chased the ball for so long, by the time you have got it back, you are too knackered to be able to do anything with it.

If anyone dare look back at the full match then you can probably count on one hand the amount of times that Buffon kicked the ball long, whereas Hart seemed to be clobbering the ball forward at every opportunity (even before the Gypsy was on the pitch).  Is this not just basic football sense?

England's ball retention has been poor for what seems an eternity now but throughout this tournament have we ever seen them put together a concerted amount of possession football together?  No, me neither.


So where do England go from here?  To be fair to Roy, I think he did probably the best he could do in this tournament. When you know you only have Henderson on the bench as back up, you know you have problems within the squad.  As all good managers do , he concentrated on making England hard to beat, and the defence has been fairly solid.  England also won the group which was probably beyond expectations of most people.

So what does Roy need to do?  The problem of England technical ability in possession is something that wont be addressed for years to come.  Roys tactics will be interesting going forward.  As a WBA fan, I have a better knowledge than most.

To put it simply, Roy prefers 4-4-2, no one in their right mind cannot deny that. However,although WBA eventually secured a comfortable mid-table finish, there were a lot of angry fans earlier on in the season (me included). All fans knew at the time that our players were best suited to a fluid 4-5-1 formation but Roy insisted on forcing players into his favoured 4-4-2 which led to a massive shortage of goals and one of the worst home records in the Premiership.

However, as things looked bleak, a shift to 4-5-1 in our away game at Wolves resulted in a 5-1 spanking over those utter, utter c*nts.  From then on, the rest was history as we comfortably strolled to mid-table safety having reverted to the formation the fans all wanted to see.

So perhaps there is promise that Roy may perhaps become more flexible depending what players he has at his disposal. With most team in world football tending to flood the midfield this is something which would need to be experimented with sooner rather than later (a bit like Capello tried in his last few games).

Roy's also general way of thinking is that his teams rarely play on the front foot and take the initiative. In one game at home against Swansea last year we conceded 80% of possession!  Over the course of a season, Roy's pragmatism will generally pay off but will this approach suit tournament football and knockout competitions. Will he have the cojones to really go for it when it comes to crunch? That will have to remain to be seen.

I suppose fundamentally we have to ask, do England really have the players to challenge at the highest level . The current squad members would suggest not, with a transition period set to be on the horizon.  One player who continues to mystify is Wayne Rooney. Once the golden boy for England he has continued to disappoint. Whilst he continues to fire regularly for Man Utd, has he really shown enough to convince fans he can lead England to former glories?  He looked woefully out of touch in the Euros and his goal record at Man Utd has been a series of gluts and famines. Does he really have the consistency and quality to be classed a truly great player at international level?  The jury is well and truly out.

One positive thing people may argue is that the players had heart and courage throughout this tournament but that is something which slightly annoys me.  How do we measure heart and courage in football?  Is it simply running around, closing down the opposition , making goal-line clearances?  Should it not be a given that all teams try and do these things? Is courage and heart just another way of saying that a team are not very good with the ball? If thats the case, then England have it in abundance.

Or is courage having the nerve to accept the ball in tight situations, to try and beat a man, to demand possession when no else wants it,  or look the opposition in the eye, take a chipped penalty and say "I am going to dominate you in this game and whether you like it or not "(alas Pirlo). If its the latter, then England have a long, long way to go.

Sunil


9

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Round Up...

Sunday 24 June 2012

But Sunil, all of the quarter finals haven't been played yet I hear you cry.   Very true, but I have bugger all to do before today's game, I am feeling a bit hungover after getting in at 4am, the weather is $hit outside, and so I thought I would do it anyway.  A summary of the England defeat to Italy on penalties will follow later on during the week ;-)

Germany Vs Greece
Another Germany game, another handsome victory for Europe's economic powerhouse.  As if the state of the Greek economy wasn't bad enough, the Germans decided to rub the Greeks noses in it with a terrific performance to cruise into the semi-finals.

The Germans decided to send out the reserves for this one, which was a massive gamble. It certainly fooled me, who naively bet on Podolski to score at anytime (and he didn't even make it off the bench).  The result was no different than expected and aside from a mad 5 minutes after the break, the Germans were extremely accomplished throughout.

The Greeks as expected decided to park the bus but its fair to say their anti-football tactics were pretty terrible to watch.  Having somehow got through the group stages it would have been nice to have seem them be a bit forceful but instead they allowed wave after wave of German attack to slice through before the inevitable happened and Lahm smashed one from 25 yards.

At half time, it seemed just a question of how many but a classic breakaway allowed Jesus to bundle home the equaliser, before the Germans class showed and they hammered in a few more goals to give a more realistic look to the scoreline.

Not much controversy in this game and even less humour in this very boring match report so I am just going to chuck in some look-a-likes that I observed from this game to lighten the mood.

Jesus & Samaras


Gomez and Mr McFly (Back to the Future)


Ozil and Stewie Griffin



Spain Vs France
I watched this game in the pub on Saturday night but pretty much nearly fell asleep during the game if I am honest. Bizarre French tactics of trying to defend all game plus the inevitable Spanish procedure of passing the opposition to death led to an absolute coma of a match.  A bit like walking into a room and finding your parents having sex, tuning into this game is something which you probably never wished you had done (and something which would also need to be removed from the memory as soon as possible)

Portugal Vs Czech Republic
There are many mysteries in life. How does James Corden manage to get so much work?  Why do people still pay for porn?  Why do girls insist of f*cking with your mind at every opportunity?  And add to this list the greatest mystery of them all.  How does the fake Ronaldo get so much oil into his hair before kick off?  Seeing him in this game was like watching a greased up version of Clarke Kent and in true Superman style he came to rescue with a late winner to break Czech hearts and also meant that my bet for the Portugese to win the 2nd half came good (get in you beauty!).

The Portugese are slowly growing into this tournament although it is hard to see how they would fair if the opposition could find a way to snuff out Ronaldo.  My personal tip would be to man mark him with about 5 players because the rest of the team don't seem to be up much let's face it.

Sunil

179

Euro 2012 Group Stage Round Up...

Tuesday 19 June 2012

That's right folks, after a year away from the limelight, I am back in your face like an unwanted comeback from Steps with my expert analysis on all things Euro 2012. I will admit that like the dancing popsters, it is very unlikely that I will be hitting the heights of the glory days but I promise that at least I haven't become as fat as the the blonde one.  A big shout out to the thousands of you who have been clamouring for my comeback (well one person actually), and I will try my hardest not to disappoint.  Alas, there will be no Roastwatch specials for you to feast your eyes upon but I will probably throw in the odd picture of a WAG or hottie to keep your interests heightened.

Those of you who know me fairly well will know that my lack of updates during possibly the most exciting Premier League of recent times was down to a combination of a massive lack of interest in all things football at the time and also the fact I don't have Sky TV/refuse to watch MOTD when WBA lose.  Alas, no such excuses this time as everything is on the old terrestrial.  However, I will confess that I have not seen all the games in these Euros due to work commitments so forgive me if my analysis is complete and utter bullcrap.

Here is my take on the football fest so far....

Disappointment of the Tournament




This without a doubt has to be The Dutch who have been sent packing without even scoring a measly point. A serious lack of firepower is what has cost them as well as some Keystone Kops defending.  Their display kind of reminds of Cheryl Cole (or just Cheryl as she is apparently now known). They look good, have all the attributes, promise plenty, have a lifetime of hype behind them but ultimately when they hit the main stage, their performances have been atrocious.  I would still stick it to them though (just Cheryl of course).

Worst Pundit of the Tournament
This category is a tie between Messrs Shearer and Carragher. Whilst Dixon, Hansen, Martinez and even Mr Roy Keane provide insightful, technical and expert analysis on each game Mr Shearer can only help but trot out cliché after cliché such as "You have to take your chances..it's a game of 2 halves."  Is this guy a white version of Garth Crooks?  A complete non entity of a pundit. As for Carragher the reason he is in this category is not because I disagree with his analysis but purely and simply because I cannot understand a single bloody word coming out his mouth.  I wish that Roy would stick one one him. And lets face it, he probably would enjoy it

The "You Should Retire Award"
Shay Given - Anyone else think that Harry Redknapp's wife might have performed better in goal?

Most Annoying Team of the Tournament




Whilst people w*nk themselves stupid over Spain's Tic-Tac football (or whatever its called) perhaps someone should remind them that the aim of the game is to actually put the ball in the net?  Watching them play with no striker was infuriating to say the least and it was a bit like watching a slightly more annoying version of Arsenal. Watching Spain play is like playing table football.  You know when you play with just those 3 guys at the top of the pitch who cant actually reach the penalty area because they are stuck there? Possession may be 9/10ths of the law but I would like to tell my hombres that the other 1/10th involves TRYING TO SCORE A GOAL.

Goal of the Tournament
There have been some humdingers so far with Robin Van Persie, Zlatan and Super Mario crashing in some fine efforts. However, for the sheer orgasmic footballing story it would have to be that Polish guy crashing in an equalizer against the Russians.  Word is, when he was younger he witnessed his parents murdered in cold blood and so this truly was a fairytale for the Polish captain. I could probably fabricate some shit joke to go with this but not even I would stoop lower than a snake's belly in this instance.

Team of the Tournament
In terms of results, this could potentially be England but in terms of all out swagger it would have to those pesky Germans.  Playing easy on the eye football combined with a terrific work rate, they have to be tournament favourites, and in Mario Gomes they possess a true matchwinner.  Uwe Rosler would be proud

A few other observations
1) Each time a goal is scored the tannoy booms out Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes. Whilst I cannot help but hum along, am I the only person who thinks that the Chase the Sun by Planet Funk would be a much better song? Or have I just been watching too much darts??!? (link below)

Planet Funk - Chase the Sun

2) Does everyone remember when South Africa scored in the World Cup and they did that really awesome celebration to open the tournament/ (SA Celebration).?  Where the bloody hell is the imagination these days? All this hugging and fist pumping is very nice but its hardly original is it?  Where are the choreographed dance routines? The Dentist's Chair?  Come on guys, sort it out

3) What the f*ck is going on with Rooney's hair?  When I flicked on the Ukraine game I though Frankie Howard had been brought back from the dead. Madness.



4) I have to say that one of the major pluses of having the game in Polkraine is that if there is not much action happening on the pitch then the camera swiftly pans to the lovely ladies in the crowd, and my word (this one is for you Ray Wilkins), some of those Poles and Ukranians have unbelievable tekkers.  Keep up the good work

5) Can someone please explain to me what those officials in the penalty box are actually doing?  They never make decisions such as penalties/goal-line issues which affect the game and what the bloody hell are they holding in their hands? Telescopes?  Magic Wands? Or is just something used for S & M purposes. Either way, whatever they are meant to be doing, they are clearly pointless so please can you remove them from the football brain like the tumour that they are. A thank you.

Sunil